[For the previous entry on the Countdown, click here.]
#14. "The Best"
This short piece (first published in 2000, and subsequently collected in Peaceable Kingdom) is a premiere example of another typical Ketchum tale-type: the hot-blooded narrative of erotic horror.
Thirty-five-year-old Shelia convinces her great-in-the-sack-but-soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend Tommy (who has told her he is leaving her for another woman) to join her for one last bout of break-up sex. This proves to be no mere farewell frolic, though, but rather the first act in the diabolical scheme of a woman scorned.
Shelia shows up afterwards at the door of Tommy's new flame Janine, feigning amiability. But the moment Janine lets her guard down, Shelia knocks her cold with a sucker punch. She then proceeds to choke Janine to death with a belt taken from the woman's bedroom closet. She tears off the corpse's nightgown and panties, then takes "a few minutes to give the body a good beating, concentrating on the ribs and head." What at first appears to be gross overkill is only stage-setting for the really "nasty part" to follow.
A Ziploc bag in Shelia's purse holds the semen-filled condom saved from Shelia's earlier coitus with Tommy. Shelia places it over her latex-gloved index finger, pricks the Trojan's tip with a pin, and goes to work filling Janine with incriminating DNA. The victim's lifeless womb needs to be lubricated with blood, and it occurs to Shelia that the police are going to think that Tommy engaged in some Dahmer-esque necrophilia. "The idea made her giggle," and this singularly chilling reaction indicates just how unhinged Shelia has become.
Her sick mission accomplished, Shelia returns home and slips into bed beside the oblivious Tommy. Feeling his familiar body heat, Shelia can't help but think "for a moment how sad it was, really, that he'd be leaving anyway. Not where he wanted to go but somewhere."
"The Best" haunts the reader with its realistic horror, as Shelia's fake-rape frame job seems frightfully plausible. Ketchum's story also casts a dark shadow over the notion of male prowess. Because as Tommy is about to discover, being the best lover someone ever had can ultimately turn into your own worst nightmare.